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Hard Knocks

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2/2/04

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Let’s start with what matters and the thing we’re all here for... Cartoons of course!? Did you forget that this is NewGrounds?? The true original home of weird internets.

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Here's a little clip which has taken ages (and the shadows still aren't finished) from my latest cartoon! My insistence to draw that mostly on one layer and at such high detail is to blame for this taking so long. No details of the plot but I can tell you it’s a satirical reflection of some current societal issues, which takes place in a futuristic Earth (or is it Mars?) setting. All packaged neatly into a subtle cartoon that just about anyone can enjoy. *Provided they like bad independant cartoons and sci-fi...

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This is the main protagonist. He's a mercenary type; pretty much just a rip off of Rex Colt from Far Cry 3 Blood Dragon. Over exaggerated 80s action hero. That type of character.

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Here's the main character's vehicle, parked up at his objective...

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Lastly, a semi-finished background which is ultra colourful and shiny!! Side-view of the area where he parked up, as you can see his vehicle on top of the ridge.

Ok, that's all I'm comfortable sharing for now. If you want more as it develops, the best place to catch it is on my Instagram. til then, next you hear of this will be the finished product -- unless I take it a step further and decide to run the whole thing through AfterEffects. Which would look great but could easily add weeks/months of time onto this. Doubt I will. Have other projects lined up and nowhere near enough time to do them all in my lifetime.

You might have seen the little skit I released last year. I’d gotten a lot of new equipment and wanted to test it all out. Also wanted to put something out quickly. As, straight away, I dived into my biggest project yet. Before even starting the skit. This big project is still ongoing and currently eating up all my animation time. Had hoped to finish this in time for NG's first Space Month, which is current month -- February, but there isn’t enough time to enable production at the level of quality I want.


Second up... The other big project I’ve been working on: I had to learn to walk again. This has taken priority over everything the last 2 years and still does. If you've read my previous posts, you will know my leg got smashed up and I'm now post-cripple, held together with a titanium femoral nail. As much as I’d like to be drawing, animating and learning flat out... I’ve had to make time for my body to recover. Which means doing physio, exercise, stretches, yoga, breathing exercises, laying down, standing up. Keeping physically active in general and getting back the flexibility. Even a bit of meditation helped when the pain was bad; often doing things which put me in a trance-like state too, such as gaming and model building. Making a full recovery seemed impossible and might well be but I’ve came further than I thought possible, already. I would like to share a few words about this.

Without sounding too cliche, it’s an experience I certainly wasn’t prepared for. All I did was go home to get some lunch. The last thing I expected was to lose all feeling in my leg. But it happened. Straight away, while I was still in the car. That is why I was stripped to my undies, cut out the car and removed on a stretcher. Once in A&E I experienced what it’s like to go into traumatic shock. Which was almost as terrifying as seeing a trucks grill come crashing through my passenger window and being sent flying to the other side of the road. Really began to panic as I went into a violent seizure, my mangled leg held up in traction with blood leaking from my open glass wounds. Almost immediately after this traumatic shock, I projectile vomited. From there, people plucked out more glass and tidied me up, then we were all done after about 7+ hours of pain, screams and whatever else. Got some sleep and went into surgery the next day.

The relief. When I woke up from surgery and still had my leg. I was ecstatic. Heck, I was even ecstatic to still have all my teeth. The only thing between them and my steering wheel was my bicep, which focking hurt, smacking back and forth between that and my seat several times. My mum was there when I woke up and was amazed how much more cheerful I was. It might have been residual effects from the anaesthesia but I was overjoyed either way. There was (and still is) a risk that I could have lost my leg. So, from there, all I could do was keep a positive mood. Which definitely helped recovery. Like many things, it’s mind over matter at times. Then I stayed in bed for the weekend and barely moved at all. Once the physiotherapists came on Monday, I tried to move the leg myself for the first time. Aside from being extremely painful, let me tell you... it really is like the movies or something. When someone stares intently at their paralysed limb. I was glaring at my toes. Just waiting for the slightest twitch; grunting, breathing heavily and flinching in pain when the toes finally moved slightly. That was good though. The next day, they got me out of bed and sat me down. Learnt to sit again, which is actually really hard and painful when your leg is swollen up to two or three times size, the incisions only stapled shut (31+ staples btw) and your bone is fragmented in several pieces. The next day, we did that and attempted to stand for a while. Then we did a couple of steps. The next day, we did more steps. I walked to the door and back.

Now, at this point, I hadn’t gone for a shit in over five days. I literally had a fractured butthole (pubic ramus) and bowel movements had stopped entirely, even though I’d been eating three meals a day and pissing just fine. I was faced with the prospect of a suppository but I knew better! Got my mum to bring me a pack of sugar-free polos and ate them all super quick. Much like sugar-free gummy bears and many other sugar-free snacks, this has a laxative effect. It worked. I took a tiny pebble-sized turd after about an hour of trying later that night lol. Luckily that was enough to tell the nurse I didn’t need a suppository and from there.. well.. it was up and up and up!! A day or two later, on my final day, I walked to the Ward Office on my zimmer frame, carrying my leaving gift for them in a carrier bag (which was insanely difficult and exhausting)!! Got out hospital and went to my works Christmas party. Which I knew, from their absence in my hospital stay, was essentially my leaving party. Thankfully I was given a heroes welcome by all of my actual friends, as the party was at the bar/restaurant which my very good friend basically runs and partly owns.

That’s the two major updates. As you can imagine, recovery turned into something of a spiritual experience. Like everything in my life really, as it’s technically just another word for alone. A lonely experience. Which I faced alone. Again. I really hoped it wouldn’t be, I hoped there would be someone by my side the entire time but it was mostly just me sat in the same spot, on my own, in pain. Too much pain to even keep my eyes open or do anything at times. I still had my friends and family thankfully looking after me each day though. Which helped me see what mattered and who truly cared. Next, to talk about some other positive people, who were the blessing and good influence I needed through such difficult times. People here, no less! These are the people that give me my remaining 1% of hope and faith in humanity. The ones that turned such a painful time of suffering, into a happy and spiritual experience. Gave me hope in the darkest hours and mostly just stopped me giving up on everything when it got too difficult. This is a list of very high-calibre NewGrounders.


Sexual-Lobster - An OG top dawg. His cartoons are weird, fantastical and funny as hell. So deadpan but full of life and deeply surreal at times. I can’t even put it into words, the mad respect I have... just go, watch any of his cartoons !

Emily-Youcis - Controversial. Massively talented but also considered massively racist, to the uninformed and blue pilled. Subjective concepts are never that simple. Check out her animation. You don't have to enjoy it or agree with her activism.. Respect her for her many talents though, if nothing else. I honestly think she is the most talented and important living female, within the meme-o-verse. Go and discover her story for yourself. She was even demonised by the mainstream media and much of the community here turned against her at one stage, remaining divided over their opinions. To those people, I have this piece of philosophy to share: get over yourselves.

Krinkels - Another cool guy and long time NGer. Creator of fucking MADNESS. What more needs to be said? Other than the fact he's working on Madness: Project Nexus 2 which will be awesome no matter what because it's a freakin' madness game by the original creator!! It looks great, I can’t wait to play but don’t have an early access copy. Truly, I think madness is one of the most iconic things to come out of NG.

Chluaid - Always been one of the top dawgs here on NG. He was a huge inspiration to me in my teens, making me aware of Flashes true potential and showing the real strength that an independant animator can have. I also read his book, watched many of his tutorials and streams during my recovery. Really friendly and fun, talented guy. Be sure to check out his cartoons if you are unfamiliar with him. He worked for Disney too, after also breaking a bone up good and focusing on his passion. Learnt so much from him as well.

Luis - One of the NG greats. This guy provided me massive inspiration in my younger years. He even pointed me in the right direction to get my career started. Legend as far as I'm concerned. Also really funny, just as cynical and sarcastic as me. Plus he does all his content with a mouse!? One of the few NewGrounders who actively refuse to use a drawing tablet. He’s an important staff member here and such a cool guy. Really can’t give him enough praise. Anything major that NG has done, this guy is usually involved somewhere along the line. Check him out.

SamGreen - Another of the classic NGers. One of the early animators that showed me what Flash could achieve, had I grown up with a powerful enough PC. He’s created great, interesting content for over 15 years. Little did I know, he’s slowly working on a reboot of my favourite work of his. Streams a lot. Puts so much care and effort into his work. Funny dude. Professional attitude. I wasn’t sure he’d remember who I was, so I hope he was pleased to see me. I was certainly pleased to see him doing so well after all this time. Look forward to many more memories of this dude and his work.

Haroshi - Someone I actually know in real life. IRL m8. Too many memories with this dude to even begin describing. He's not really active here on NG anymore. Sadly had to grow up like the rest of us. Still, check out his cartoons and other content. He does still keep busy creatively, I assure you. Big respect for this guy and his family. I feel sad that any of our efforts to collaborate never came into fruition but I know he is still working toward this lifelong passion just like me.

YurgenBurgen - Long time NG OG funny guy. Someone I was always aware of, he was always very active in the glory days. I never really sat down and went through his content until I was incapacitated though. Glad I did. His games, although simple, are very hilarious. I can't help but laugh when they deliver ridiculous punchlines, predictably shitty outcomes. Often leaving me bewildered and confused. Truly a master at what he does, his troll humour takes me right back to my late childhood years on here. Reminded me of the days I would sit for hours, loading up flash movies or games, on a 56K dialup. Made me really feel the NG spirit for the first time in ages. Thanks so much for that dude.

AlmightyHans - Briefly caught up with this guy lately, for the first time in about ten years. One of the early NG animators that motivated me to take animation seriously. He’s always so busy and creating things. He made some very ambitious projects back in the day. Was always thinking on an epic scale. Really inspiring guy. Doesn’t release so much content these days but when he does, it really is world class.

SoupCat - Someone else I’ve known for ages, through here. I always liked him as he reminds me of myself. As far as I know, he had a fairly basic upbringing too. Also seems to have as bad luck as me at times. Lately he’s been making some interesting stuff, for his new job. I always look forward to seeing what new work he conjures up. It’s always crafted skilfully with a similar level of pedantic attention to detail as my own work. He's just on a cool level that I can relate to. Got big respect for this lil dude!

Blordow - So many Aussies here. Used to chat with Blordow on MSN quite frequently and thought he was a pretty rad guy. People tried to divide us, saying I was copying him. That’s when I grew tired of petty drama, which was actually a great life lesson to get so early on. He was just a great friend and inspiration to me. Helped me realise many things that software could do, even back on my shit PC which couldn’t even run Flash or Photoshop. Also this guy has always used colour in real interesting ways, which is something I always fuck up. Naturally I checked up on his progress when I was in the void. Looks as though he’s still having a blast, like the rest of us :)

Totty - Another great creator I hadn't really encountered before. Also another fellow Briton! Haven't spoke to him or heard from him in a long while now but near the start of my ordeal, he was quite prominent and shared some cool stuff with me. I feel he is familiar with my struggle, being roughly the same age and in the UK. So I understand why he’s keeping his head down and staying busy; all round cool guy. Definitely check out his quality animations.

Bucketboi - Bit of a new kid on the block. Newest user on this list in fact. Another Brit, doing interesting things. Bumped into him on the portal one day, now I’m hooked. So far, he has mostly done animated music videos of his own tracks. Might not be to everyone’s taste but there’s no denying that he’s got skills. Also shows no signs of slowing down anytime soon. Really great talent, one to watch for sure.

VicariousE - One of NGs older active users. Maybe not so much of a creator, although does voice acting and worked within the media industry, like properly. He knows his shit and really loves this site. I don’t want to say he’s part of the furniture but....yeahhh, any old timer knows this name and that avatar. Real interesting and knowledgeable guy. Constantly says he's just old and boring all the time..but the fact he's telling me that, whilst playing GTA Online with me, says otherwise :)

AliceMako - One of Europe's more interesting specimens. There doesn't seem to be too many of us here on NG, in comparison to America or even Australia. She's always been around, making music and active within the community. Lately has made huge moves and got something of a cult following. Love her tunes and she's great to chat to, sharing many of my own views and values. Go have a listen to her music, especially if you're riding the synthwave right now.

Mich - Someone I hadn’t previously encountered on here. At least not directly. Fellow Briton. Cool guy, builds his own synthesisers from scratch, owns a neat audio service called instaud.io -- which is great if you are in the audio field and need to share WIPs quickly. Check out his stuff! You will be amazed, if you at least have a vague understanding of it all.

4cat - Funny guy, makes some awesome music - including the song from my skit mentioned above. Dealing with lots of his own struggles right now and just someone I was pleased to bump into on here. He always keeps a lighthearted mood and doesn’t waste time on drama or any trash like that. Check out his more serious music for sure. Also a great memer. Kept me smiling when the pain wrestled away my cheerful mood.

Sense-Offender - This dude is cool. He has great taste in films. Multimedia junkie, like most of us here. Full of weird experiences and has some stories to tell. He appreciates the show Fringe as much as I do, which speaks volumes about someones personality. When I was in pain and feeling lost, discovering somebody like this really changed my perspective and made me feel better. Thanks dude!

Wonchop, GerkinMan, LegendaryFrog, ZekeySpaceyLizard, Mottis, The-Swain - I grouped these last ones together as I've never chatted to them, or followed them until lately. I grew up loving their cartoons though. Some of the most memorable Flash toons from my teenage years. I couldn’t believe some of these guys were like my age and making such quality work back then. Not all so active these days, which makes me a bit sad. Far as I'm concerned though, these guys are an integral part of NG history. Some of the most underrated, definitely. Maybe had huge success back in the day but I’m always surprised when I see they have such a modest following now. They mostly went off and did different things, like just about all of us here. Really makes me wonder how different things would be if YouTube hadn’t stolen NGs limelight and success. What different world we’d be living in, if these people could have made a career and livelihood here on NG, for good..?

Truth is... There's so many awesome people and so many awesome things going on here - all the time! Seriously, this community is still very active. The only reason there aren’t as many movie or game submissions these days is because the bar has been raised so much higher! People want to put more of their time and effort into these things now, which is amazing! This wasn't meant to be a comprehensive list. Only a personal one. The people that really stood out to me over these troubled few years. The ones who stopped me giving up and motivated me to recover better. They made me want to keep doing my best. Didn't want to focus too much on very popular users, who have a strong following already but some of those helped a lot too; I felt a particular sense of reaffirmation after listening to the SleepyCast and realising I wasn’t just a monumental fuckup (or perhaps we all are? who cares). This isn't about reputation. They all made a really difficult time into a happy time for me and that is the miracle of this whole phenomenon right here. This technological miracle, which AI algorithms, lobbyists and organisations like the FCC are trying to take away from us all. What kind of horrible bastard would want to tarnish something so wonderful, pure and magical? A horrible bastard, trying to enforce a corrupt evil political agenda, that’s who. There are some places where bureaucracy just doesn't belong.


Bringing me neatly onto the last thing. A few closing words for all the wonderful haters. Of which, there are far too many in this world. It’s always important to remember that no one ever made themself great by showing how small someone else is and that anyone trying to bring you down, is already below you. Take it from me, I’ve been there. I was bullied all through my entire academic life. Even in university I was isolated, rejected and made an example of. Ultimately having my work stolen, after handing it in — and failing my course because of it. In workplaces, I’ve been the butt of twisted sadistical games. In social circles I’ve been the victim of weird catfish and evil manipulators. I've fallen victim to the worst cockblocks imaginable and some real scumbags. Everyone faces their own struggle. Yet, I don't let it bother me. Don't let them twats bring you down. That's their own demons and prejudices. Much like many of the other aforementioned names... it’s creative outlets and places like this, which keep me grounded and help me stay sane. Having a level perspective is important when people fuck with you constantly. I might lose the will to live occasionally but having survived so much shit, even before my drastic accident, suicide has never been an option. Was always told that’s the easy way out. Also life is far too precious and limited to just throw away so abruptly. When I’ve fought for it and narrowly escaped with it, more than a few times now. So; haters gonna hate, because I never lose my grip on reality. No matter how much they want me to be wrong or be as fragile and pathetic as them... I’m not. I will continue constantly dropping truths that shatter the entire delusional fake reality they live in and continue to piss them off by staying righteous, pure and true as they try to exorcise me with virtue signals. You should do the same. Stay true to yourself. Stay true to your morals. Don’t cave in or crumble just because someone expects you to or wants you to. Fuck them.

Could leave it there but ... let’s quickly reflect on some of the lousiest people ever to enter my life. One last mention of... my previous employer! Oh hurray, lucky us. I don’t want to put them in the spotlight too much, after all, they didn’t give a shit about me when I needed them. Where the fuck were those guys? Nowhere to be seen. As mentioned previously, I went to my Christmas party. Even though I was fragile and fresh out of hospital. At that point, it was obvious they had already chatted shit about me. Already made their minds up about me. With them being a bunch of drunk lightweights, I could see they barely even gave a shit about my injuries, or me. They all looked confused when my actual friends were all hugging me and so happy to see me - as those real friends actually understood and recognised the severity of what happened. Those real friends had genuinely taken an interest and heard in full what happened, instead of glossing over it and blanking it out along with everything else that's too real. Those friends realised I could have very easily been gone for good. So, yeah. That happened. In fact, the first thing those colleagues said. The first piece of information I was given, after formalities...was how...one of them had already went there, almost straight away. When I was still in hospital, one of them had said “oh haha I bet he did it just so he could play Fallout 4 lol”. Which was meant to be a joke? However, I’d already played enough of that game to know that it was the wankiest and most boring Fallout of all the main canon. So it wasn’t even a joke. Wasn’t even bad taste. It was just putrid and vulgar. I couldn’t even comprehend that they said it to me and laughed at it. Proud of their unnecessary and hateful circlejerk? I was just one big hilarious cathartic joke to them?? Fuck knows how many people they told that "joke" to and laughed about it.

Yeah, well. Jokes on them now because that company went bust. Closed down a few weeks back. Obviously because they’re a bunch of assholes, who probably can’t fucking sleep at night and treated their clients like shit. Fuck knows how they live with themselves. Not just the lies they sell; they behave that cuntishly toward everyone. I’m no special exception. After hospital, they didn’t contact me once. Not so much as a lazy text message. Not one of them. They fucked me about since day one, changed the job I got into something entirely different to what I applied for. They were shambolic. Using PeoplePerHour to outsource all of their work. Constantly having pointless meetings. No direction or briefs. Ambitions about as big as their egos but no actual skill or substance to realise those preposterously high targets. One of their punchy jargon phrases was “we do data”, which was code for them sitting around with their thumbs up their arses and letting someone else do all the work. The most "data" I ever saw them "do" was for the very first project they had me work on. Even then, it was a piss poor table of numbers. With which, I was supposed to make some fantastical “interactive piece”.

My accident had happened in my lunch break. Naturally, one of my first thoughts and realisations was how I wasn’t going to get back to work or get my project finished in time for new year. It put them in a messy situation. I was already performing poorly (due to the whole, being given a job I didn’t even apply for situation) and I felt bad at first. Almost felt guilty, redeemed only by my intention to heal and get back to it asap. But then.. after everything unfolded... after them not being there, visiting or even contacting me...after them not caring... frankly, I’m glad I left them in such a state. I’m glad they had to clean up their own dirty shitty mess. They made their own narrative up, demonised me for their own private agenda and look where their own hate and bitterness got them. That bunch of ungrateful, clueless, egotistical, narcississtic, megalomanic, psychopathic, cuntish lying fucking two-faced childish brats got just a fraction of what's coming to them.

Of course, the one person who had been my favourite the entire time... the person I wanted there with me in hospital and during the recovery... well she was the cow who ditched her fiancée to get with the married man, from a previous post. The same married man who happened to be the creepiest, most pathetic manipulative little weasel of a man I’ve ever encountered. If that wasn't enough... That same weasel creep also took the liberty of signing up my personal email addresses to his beloved junk and spam lists. God knows what else. Believing he's some righteous badman black hat hacker, who didn't even understand a unix environment and fucking bends over to Google AdSense, whom also once called himself a holy man. What a fucking selfish pussyhole shitcunt weasel. Waste.

To this day, I am in disbelief of all their disgusting behaviour. I just don't get the sadistic twisted mentality. Who takes pride and actively goes out of their way to stomp on someone when they're already down? Who gets horny over someone else's suffering? Someone who really loved and respected them. I have honestly never seen anyone stoop so low in my whole life and I've endured a lot of fucking scummy cunts. Like, fair enough, but any other one of them could have at least said HELLO. I needed them. Instead. This big, horrible thing that happened to me...they just made it all about themselves. Apparently the adversity and judgement was what they wanted all along. That girl in particular. I thought she was special. Thought we had something real amazing on the horizon. If she wasn't so blind to reality; didn’t have her fingers pressed so far in her ears that they were blocking her neural pathways and affecting her ability to think … Real big special amazing things. Things I thought I’d never have and now probably won’t. Just another clueless, misguided succubus that leeched onto the nearest horny dude, regardless of marital status or how much he actually needed her. Manipulated into his sick twisted ego fantasy of ‘defeating’ me, the bad guy. Disgusting. Whatever, she ended up getting therapy apparently. Yeah, that other thing I also really needed at that point in time. That thing I even applied for but couldn't make it to because the wounds were too severe and I couldn't get there, due to lack of transport after it got smashed up with me. On top of dealing with PTSD and night terrors. No doubt, once she realised what a huge mistake and awful deed she had done. When she realised she didn’t need to be facing all that bad shit; instead could have been praised and loved by all those magical people in my life. She would’ve been a heroine and could have done the right thing, when it mattered. Yes, she probably realised I have so much more to give her than that fucking creep. Not just more inches either but my extra love and extra wisdom. Never mind. That basically convinced me I don't want a normie life anymore. That mentality has never been compatible with me.

That's it. Been a long journey. Learnt a lot. Once again, had everything I could ever want and need. Once again, truly felt that someone believed in me. Once again, I was used. By people pretending to be my friends. Once again.. Another perfect future stolen from its rightful owners by some meddling clueless douchebag. This time, at the one time in my life I truly needed somebody. The only time I might have even asked for someone. I don't ask for much. I'm certainly never one to cry out for attention or make demands of anyone. I didn't even once ask for pity. I’m not salty or bitter like them. That’s why I don’t hold onto this shit. When I hauled my ass there on crutches three times... Weasel creep couldn't even look me in the eye by my last visit, as he had to believe in his own lies. That's when I knew they were already doomed. Luckily, I had my true friends and my family all there to love me and care for me. Plus the extended friends and e-family, all mentioned above. The other people I grew up with. That was the only therapy I really needed. To see what love really looks like.


So yeah, maybe I am another fuckin dirty white cis male incel, which apparently means I'm some kind of Alt-Right Nazi these days? ...but at least I’m not shacked up with some small-minded broody thot homewrecker. That seems to be the alternative. Get with some dumb bimbo whose overwhelming urge to reproduce and nurture is more important than having the relationship which comes with it, or having someone around to father that offspring? I’ve had the opportunity. I’ve had girls come onto me and, before we’ve even mentioned a date, they’ve mentioned babies (seriously, the UK is Thot-Bimbo capitol). Weird broody women, who seem to think their biological clock is some kind of doomsday countdown. Which..just...none of that... none of that, at all, is my idea of fun. No, thank you. If you like that, you're welcome to it but there’s a whole exciting world out there and you think looking after babies is fun? Sure, under the right circumstances, it is a great and beautiful (essential) thing but I’ll stick to being single and happy for now, waiting for the right person to do that with and not just the first one who comes along. I got other shit to do which isn't wiping up baby shit or getting no sleep. It ain’t so bad. Unfortunately... That’s just females for you. Easily misguided by their overwhelming emotions and desire to nurture. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from years of being single.. it’s that. Females are volatile and irrational. I’m not sexist, that’s just how it is. It’s fucking biological. Deal with it, embrace it. When females embrace their femininity, it is magical and they can gain huge respect in this mans world. They can achieve great things and even be great leaders but not by trying to be males. Not by exploiting their body or through nepotism either. There was a time when women embraced the matriarch. There was a time when a woman being a woman was sexy. Even tomboys and boyish women can be just as sexy. Now, society is telling women they should be men and turning them into misandrists. Which is wrong and disastrous. That’s not feminine at all. Chromosomes are binary. XX or XY. Even if you get a stupid sex change operation, your chromosomes remain the same. So don’t come at me with some gender agenda bullshit or your third-wave feminism bullcrap. It doesn't work. Our ancestors fought and died in wars, so you would be free and have all this shit you take for granted. So stop campaigning to take it all away.

Ok, I’m done. Thanks for reading this! You rock. RIP.


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